Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
