grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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