peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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