I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The best revenge is premature balding
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
