I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
