I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
