If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No...this little piggys going to the bar
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
