he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My breasts were aching with rage.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
