Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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