my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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