you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You may now shotgun with the bride
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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