My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
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i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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