I accidentally burped into my bong.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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