1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
