Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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