I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
