So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
