You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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