i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
