I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
