I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Congratulations! We have a period
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