im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
