i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
