I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
