when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
