Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
