I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
