Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
