let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
