Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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