Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
