my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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