i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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