I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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