maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
