Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We're too hungover to prance.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
