OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
