drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
