i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
that is very illegal...i love you.
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