Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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