You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
