I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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