Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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