I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
