Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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