i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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