I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
