you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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