Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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