i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
