i will never coherently bang her
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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