i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
