i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
