I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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