seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
