Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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