OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
