dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
