you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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