I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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